cRappucino

...so you're a grammar teacher... That don't impress me much
NEW EXPLCIT REPORT ON COFFEE AND SEX

Well, its been rumored for years, but now there is scientific proof. Researchers at in the Tobacco Institute's Expresso Wing have finally linked drinking coffee, and its crack-like concentrated form, expresso, to sexual prowess. Women who drink more coffee get more horny and receptive to romantic advances, the study found. Men get bigger and longer boners, and fall asleep less after sex.

"The results of the earlier, lower funded research were inconclusive, so we decided to do more exacting tests. Now we've got the answers we were looking for." says spokesperson Nick 'O Teen. And now with the introduction of coffee-flavored viagra, coffee-drinkers' sex lives has never been better. On the coasts, so called 'Sexpresso' bars with both gay, straight and decaf rooms are in vogue,

while in the midwest and south a movement is on to limit coffee consumption--a sure sign sexual activity is on the rise do to expresso.

"Its my favorite way to pump up" says fitness expert and TV info-mercial celebrity John Dooty. "I tried them all, steroids, ginseng, green M&Ms--coffee was the only thing that gave me the results that my partner and I were looking for." "This opens the gate on a full line of new products" continues O'Teen. "Coffee, cigarettes, and sex are the new golden triangle ripe for capitalist exploitation. There's always been cigarette-flavored coffee, so why not coffee-flavored cigarettes, coffee-flavored condoms, coffee-flavored massage oil, as well as new devices that CONTINUED ON PAGE 5

Italian? Spanish? Latin?
"Expressoranto" Backlash Rages

Grandissimo, venti, maximus, laxativo; just what do all those coffee sizes mean? From coast to coast, 'expressoranto', the use of fifi terms to describe the size of your coffee, is being replaced by more colloquial terms, to the delight of the already brain-taxed general public. . "We changed our sizes to large, and super-large" says one store manager "It's easier for our patrons to understand what they are getting--which makes for happier customers-- and easier to train our ever revolving door of serf-like employees."

 

 Naming inconsistancies across coffee businesses also add to consumer disdain. A grande at one expresso bar might be an extra large, while at another its only a medium. One state is even considering legislation to combat the perceived problem. California, a long-time leader in social engineering and suppression of personal freedom is considering a bill to make coffee bars 'english only' "We killed a lot of people to get this land and I'll be damned if my children have to use some strange foreign language just to get a coffee" says bill organizer Kwan Li Rodriegez.

'StinkyWinky' Guns down 17

MONTANA- Not to be outdone by students, day traders, and talk-show guests, a cartoon mascot has entered into the world of shooting rampages. 'Siptop', the fluffy in-store mascot of Dishwaters, a downtown Butte coffeebar, gunned down 17 patrons, conceiling a gun and lots of ammo in the thick lining of the suit. "That costume was horrible--he looked like a brown tele-tubby," said former co-worker Carrie Agrudge. "We called him Stinky Winky." He was eventually subdued by a couple of postal workers who were there on break.


A NEW GAME FROM THE MAKERS OF 'SCRATCHERS n SNIFFERS'
 
page 02