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New Study finds: |
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| A new study has found that a drink that makes you more uptight, coffee, and its crack-like concentrated form, expresso, is the favorite beverage choice of millions of people, and that use is on a dramatic rise. "That's right, and hurry up this interview over so I can go get one," quipped John Dice, VP of PR for the Tobacco Institute's Special Expresso Wing. | People worldwide are finding happiness and spiritual well-being in caffeine. "It really makes sense when you think about it," says Hollywood agent Nick O' teen . "The squeaky wheel gets the grease and whats more, human civilization is cutthroat. An uptight asshole is more likely to get what they want and have a successful career. Its the first thing I look for in prospective new talent." CONTINUED ON PAGE 5 |
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Greenpiece TPs Fifi Manhattan Coffeebar Protesters from Greenpiece recently toilet papered the chic New York coffeebar MoomboJumbo, a known hangout of the likes of Kate Maas and Leonardo DiCapiccino for using bleached cups. It makes us observe here at Crappucino that this is entirely printed on bleached paper. Hmmm,...would a coffee backlash Ôzeen be funnier on brown rag paper? Quite perhaps, but weĠd have to make both versions and then focus group them both, and that would be an even greater waste of paper. When asked about their own blatent waste of highly processed, bleached, tinted, and perfumed toilet paper in their protest, Greenpiece members replied, "It was used." |
STOCK MARKET COMES TO 'GRIND'-ING HALT COFFEE STOCKS REMAIN STRONG IN VOLATILE TRADING |  GO
AHEAD, QUENCH YOUR THIRST |
| The consumption cult was dealt a severe blow this week as stock markets worldwide collapsed. Suicides and hissy-fits from a lot of rich people who lost money they thought their money had earned for them as the Dow hit its lowest level since June '98. Rich people? Fuck you, the system makes sure this affects everyone right down to the homeless lady's anemic puppy-dogs. The trickle-down theory has some truth to it so watch your ass. | ||
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